Top tips for eating out with Toddlers

Do you take your toddler out to eat in public? Some parents seem to manage reasonably civilised meals while others spend the time trying to persuade a wayward child to sit down, stop shouting and please try just one mouthful! If you would like to enjoy the odd meal out, these tips may help.

1. Time the meal carefully

If your child normally eats at 12 then it would be wise to arrive at a restaurant at around that time, or even a little earlier. An over-hungry or tired child is unlikely to sit calmly and wait while your order is cooked, and if you keep them quiet with breadsticks or other snacks they may not eat when the food does arrive. It might also be worth considering places with a self serve salad bar or buffet since you wont have to wait.

2. Choose your table

Even if your are seated by a server you can always ask for a specific table, or a table in a particular area. A good choice might be near a window, where your toddler can watch passing traffic, or near the kitchen if you can watch the chef. At self serve places it's a good idea to sit near the buffet if you are on your own. That way you can fetch food much more easily.

3. Bring supplies

If your baby is still quite small it would be a good idea to bring a bib with you, and perhaps his usual cutlery and sippy cup as well. Older toddlers will enjoy using the adult versions of course. You might also want to bring some small, quiet toys to keep them occupied before or after eating. A toy car or two, some drawing paper or little toy animals can all be good options. Really you want things that engage your child's imagination so they can play independently for an unspecified length of time.

4. Be there with your child

It can be tempting to treat a meal out as an opportunity to chat with other adults and hope your toddler just sits quietly and lets you have some peace! While that is totally understandable, and you should be able to have some adult conversation, it rarely works well. Your child is a part of the group and she will respond much better if she feels included. Ask her what she would like to order (perhaps giving just two or three options) and include her in the conversation where you can. Then, while she is busy drawing a picture, you can grab a minute to chat to your friend.

5. Prepare at home

A child who has never learnt table manners at home wont suddenly behave differently when out and about. Expect your toddler to sit up at the table, use cutlery and eat a wide variety of foods everyday and those things wont come as a surprise. It's also a good idea to have a toddler sit at the table for a few minutes after they have finished eating, gradually lengthening that time. Again, if they are used to jumping down and running about the moment they have had the last bite then they will expect to do the same in a café. If your child is a fussy eater then these tips may help you avoid daily battles over a spoonful of peas.

Singing through the day

Singing through the day

Earlier today I was cutting a two year old's toe nails. I managed to do about four nails before he started squirming around so I made up a silly song. It made no sense, the lyrics were awful and they had the wrong rhythm for the tune (plus it was about cutting nails) but it kept him happy and still while I got the job done! Even if you think you have a terrible voice children love to hear you sing, and a few songs can be a wonderful tool to get you through the day.

If you use specific songs at certain times of day, and avoid singing them at other times, your child will very quickly learn what the songs mean. I know several children who will automatically start to tidy up when they hear the "tidy up song", without being asked. I even know some toddlers who will sing the song to themselves and start tidying up - entirely unprompted! Using a song can take a boring chore and turn it into a game.

Songs also have a limited length and let a child know that something won't last forever. Few toddlers enjoy having their face washed after a meal but singing "rub-a-dub" helps them to understand that the face washing will be over when the song is done. I have even known a child who hated having his face washed remind me to do it, because we had to sing the next part of the song!

When you are singing you are engaging with your child, not just doing something to them. With all the stress of parenthood it can be easy to think of things like face washing and nappy changing as tasks to get done as quickly as possible and you can almost forget that you are caring for a small person! Singing  reminds you to interact with your child and introduces a bit of fun, so you're not just restraining them while you clean up the mess.

Finally, in order to sing you have to breathe. Singing can really help you to cope with a stressful situation, such as a crying baby. It may even calm the baby! Any song will do, a lullaby if you know one or just something you have heard on the radio. Making up your own songs can be fun as well, adapt words to suit and think up variations. Anything to distract both yourself and your baby. When you get into the habit of making up songs you will find you do so as you go round the supermarket or in the car, any situation where you need to distract or calm a child but can't pick them up and don't have toys to hand!

Here are some songs I like to use:

For hand and face washing before or after meals:

Wash your dirty hands,
Wash your dirty hands,
Rub-a-dub and scrub-a-dub,
And wash your dirty hands

(repeat for face)

To calm children down and get them sitting still:

I have 10 wriggly fingers and they all belong to me,
I can make them do things,
Would you like to see?
I can shut them up tight, and open them wide,
I can put them all together, or make them all hide,
I can jump them up high,
I can jump them down low,
I can fold them quietly,
And sit just so

Nappy changing:

Oh, dear what can the matter be?
We have to change your nappy,
That will make you happy,
Now that you're nice and clean.

Doing up a baby grow after nappy changes!

1 little, 2 little, 3 little poppers
4 little, 5 little, 6 little poppers
7 little, 8 little, 9 little poppers
10 little poppers, let's do them all up

Pop, pop, pop those poppers
Pop, pop, pop those poppers
Pop, pop, pop those poppers
10 little poppers, are all done up.

Tidy up time:

Tidy up time, tidy up time
Tidy up the toys, tidy up the toys
Let's all be helpers, let's all be helpers
Girls and boys, girls and boys

Silly songs

Here is an example of a song adapted one day when comforting baby triplets who were upset following their immunisations, their mum and I enjoyed taking turns to come up with new verses and the children enjoyed the singing.

What shall we do with a grumpy baby?
What shall we do with a grumpy baby?
What shall we do with a grumpy baby?
In the afternoon?

Give her a kiss and a cuddle too...

Pat her on the back and see if she burps...

If she's hungry give her some milk...

Take her out for a walk in her pram...

Give her something fun to look at...

Dance around the room and sing a song...

Put her in bed so she'll have a sleep...

Nutrition for Toddlers

Recently a few people have asked me about nutrition for toddlers, do they need different foods (or a different balance of foods) to adults? Obviously babies have all their needs met through breast milk or formula and during weaning they will have a combination of both. But what about toddlers and pre-schoolers, what do they need?

Growth

Protein is especially important for children since it's needed for both physical and brain growth, so they need a bit more than most adults do. Meats provide a complete protein, but if your family avoids meat you will need to be sure to eat a wide variety of beans, pulses etc to get all the different amino acids needed for growth and repair. This is especially true during growth spurts.

Calcium is important for growing strong and healthy bones, and for most families it is found in milk. A child under five needs about a pint of milk a day, but this includes milk in yoghurts, cheese, served on breakfast cereals, mashed into potatoes etc. so they may not need to drink very much at all. Because children need a full fat diet (see energy, below) this should be whole milk until they are at least two. If the child has a good diet they can have semi-skimmed milk after that but it would be preferable to keep to whole milk until they are five. Children who can't drink milk from cows/goats etc should be given breast milk or formula until they are two so that they don't miss out on any of those nutrients. After that there are many vegan sources of calcium, although it's a good idea to take a B12 supplement as well.

Energy

Children need a lot of calories for energy, both for growth and for all that running about. Most of that energy comes from carbohydrates and fat, if they don't get enough from those sources protein will be used for energy instead of growth.

Children need a full fat diet, which means things like whole milk, full fat yoghurts, avocados, oily fish and oil used in normal cooking. It doesn't mean a lot of fried foods and those should be kept to a minimum. If you follow a low fat diet make sure that there are full fat options available for your toddler.

Starchy carbohydrates are also important, things like bread, pasta and potatoes. Generally you don't want to offer these in overly large portions as a lot of children will fill up on them and not eat much of anything else. Follow the link to see what a portion size actually is, most parents are very surprised. It's a good idea to include wholegrain versions of these foods, but don't go overboard with fibre. Unlike adults children don't need much fibre and it can fill them up too much and stop them absorbing all the nutrients they need from their other foods. So go ahead and serve wholemeal bread or brown pasta, but keep the bran flakes for adults only.

Vitamins and Minerals

When talking about feeding children the mineral that always gets a mention is salt. The salt that naturally occurs in various foods is fine but avoid adding any salt during cooking or at the table. If adults like extra salt it would be better to add it away from the table so the child doesn't see, since they will inevitably want to copy. Avoid large quantities of high salt foods like bacon, cheese or gravy but a small amount wont do any harm.

Other vitamins and minerals are found in fruit and vegetables and it is important to eat a wide variety of those since each one contains different nutrients. As a general guide you will get the widest variety if you eat fruits and vegetables of different colours so try to make sure that your "five a day" aren't all green! Since vitamins can easily be destroyed during cooking it is best to include some raw vegetables as well as the cooked ones. Things like carrot and cucumber sticks make ideal snacks.

What does that look like?

So, how does this all translate into an actual meal? Lets say you are making spaghetti bolognaise for your family. You might choose to use a mince that has a moderate fat content, perhaps 15%, and include several different vegetables in the sauce. You would serve your child a proportionally bigger helping of sauce compared to the amount of pasta they have and might put some cheese on the top. The meal would be followed by a full fat yoghurt and a piece of fruit.

For information on what a portion size looks like this table by the infant and toddler forum is an excellent resource. Since all children are different I would consider these pictures to show a minimum amount, so long as your child eats this much there is no need to encourage them to have more. However some children are growing fast and have big appetites so it's much better to give them larger portions than to restrict their meals and end up giving less healthy snacks later on.

Potty Training part 2 - nappy free

Your toddler shows all the signs of being ready to potty train and you have been preparing them for a few weeks. Now is the time to say goodbye to nappies!

Choose your day

Some children will simply announce that they don't want to wear nappies anymore, often at the least convenient moment! If you are choosing the day yourself, however, there are some things you will want to bear in mind. Choose a day when you will be at home with very little else going on, if you have any other children you may want to pick a time when they will be out of the house so that you can concentrate on your toddler. It is also best to avoid potty training when there are other changes in your little one's life - avoid holidays, and leave it at least a month either side (preferably two or three) of house moves and bigger changes.

A few days before you start it is a good idea to take your toddler on a special shopping trip to buy pants and a potty, step stool or toilet seat. Explain to them that they are a big boy or girl now and very soon they will wear the pants and use the new potty, more about that in part 1

First things first

It may seem obvious but the first step on potty training day is to take the nappies away. When your toddler gets dressed let them choose a pair of pants to wear and remind them that they will be using the potty today. Even if they have several accidents you need to avoid putting your little one back in nappies or nappy substitutes such as pull ups, except for situations like long car journeys. The exception is when you realise that your child really isn't ready and you are going to go back to nappies for several months. Swapping and changing more frequently can confuse a toddler. You don't want to suggest there is any choice or decision about whether or not they wear nappies, it's pants all the time when awake.

Accidents

During the day you will probably find that your toddler will have some accidents. When that happens try not to show any disgust or displeasure, just say something like "Oops, did you forget to go to the potty?" and take them to sit on the potty anyway. Even if they just sit there you are reinforcing the idea that this is what they should do. Then involve your toddler in taking her wet clothes to the washing machine, finding dry clothes to put on, helping with any other clearing up and washing her hands.

Rewards

When you do have a success you will want to reward your toddler. Depending on your child then your approval, a hug and a well done may be all that is needed. More tangible rewards are often not needed. If you do feel that you need something more then a sticker or a special reward chart may do the job.

A lot of people use a small sweet such as a chocolate button or jelly tot. They are small enough that you can give quite a few over the day without over doing it. You should only need to give those sorts of rewards for a week or two before they are no longer needed, after a while start to "forget" to give it, or switch to offering one at the end of an accident free day.

Another reward for day one is to let your child phone someone special, such as a Grandparent, to tell them how well they have done. Make sure the recipient of the phone call has been primed so they can be suitably enthusiastic, and ask them not to quiz your toddler on how many accidents they had. The point is that they tried!

At the end of the day

At bedtime, praise your little one for trying very hard and for the successes they have had during the day, without mentioning any accidents. Ask them to choose a pair of pants to wear tomorrow and lay them out ready. You will also need to explain that even big children sometimes wear nappies at night because you can't go to the potty when you are sleeping.   Reassure your toddler that he is still a big boy and will wear pants again in the morning.

Potty Training part 1- before you start

You have been changing nappies for quite long enough, your tiny baby has grown into a surprisingly big toddler and you think she is ready to be potty trained. Here are some things you might like to do before you take the nappies away, since its so much easier for your toddler to learn one thing at a time!

Think about clothes

Children can have accidents while standing next to the potty, simply because they couldn't get their clothes off. When you take away nappies you will probably need to change your child's clothes, getting rid of vests with poppers, tights, dungarees and jeans in favour of  short skirts or loose trousers with elasticated waists. It helps to get your little one used to the new clothes now and practice pulling trousers up and down. Show her how to do this and ask her to help when he gets dressed and at each nappy change.

Talk about the loo

Many children who are ready to be potty trained will be very interested in the loo. As embarrassing as this might be, it is a good sign. Let them come with you when you go to the loo, talk about what you are doing, "Now I need to pull up my trousers, then I can wash my hands." You can even show them how to tear off a sheet of loo roll and have them pass it to you. All this interest is just your child's way of learning, so help them to learn.

You might also like to get some books about potty training. There are many books written about characters who use the potty and these can be great. I would also include books like "Aliens Love Underpants!" by Claire Freedman and Ben Cort or "Everybody Poos" by
Taro Gomi. A bit of humour is always a good thing!

Watch your child

As you are playing together, keep an eye on your little one. You might notice that he goes quiet, sits very still or shows some other sign just before you have to change his nappy. Next time you see that behaviour you can make a comment like "are you doing a poo now? We will need to change your nappy won't we." This way you can draw your child's attention to the feeling of doing a poo (as opposed to the feeling of having a dirty nappy) and give them the words to express it. Be sure to smile, though, even if you don't really want to wipe another dirty bottom!

Watch your language

Do you hate changing dirty nappies? I doubt anyone would list it as a favourite part of the day, but do make sure that you don't let your child know it. If you have said things like "Urgh, what a horrid smelly poo!" or "phew, just wee, that's good!" then now is a good time to change that. Make sure your little one knows that everyone does poos, and that you are pleased when they do since it shows that their body is working. You don't want them to feel that doing a poo would upset you, or that it's preferable to avoid it!

Go shopping

Just a few days before you start potty training go on a special shopping trip. Make this a special outing, one to one if possible, and have fun! It's all part of building the excitement for this new stage.

I must admit, I really don't like pull-ups. Children don't really notice the difference between these and nappies so they don't have much motivation to use the potty. There is also a danger that you might not notice when your little one has an accident and you want to notice straight away so that you can remind them to use the potty. I suggest you take your child to the shops so she can choose her new "big girl pants" for herself.  Look at all the options and let her choose whichever ones she wants. You want her to be proud of her pants and enjoy wearing them.

You can buy a potty at the same time, in her choice of colour and style. When choosing, do consider stability and how easy it is to clean. I have found that potties that convert into steps or collapse for transport can come apart in use. While those that have cushioned seats, removable seats for the big toilet, musical parts etc can be difficult to clean as there are lots of little nooks and crannies. My own preference is a simple potty made of one piece of smooth plastic, which can even be washed at high temperatures in the (otherwise empty!) dishwasher. That also happens to be the cheapest option!

Stop nagging your children!

Habits make life much easier, for you and for your children, and mean the end to nagging! You might want your child to form the habit of hanging up his coat when he comes in, putting his shoes away neatly, picking up his toys or saying thank you after meals. Whatever habits you want your child to form, there are some easy ways to help.

Nagging doesn't work

We all hate to nag, infact sometimes you might get so tired of nagging that you just do the job yourself! The truth is that nagging doesn't really work anyway. Every time a child does something that action is imprinted on their mind, the more often they repeat the action the more firmly it is imprinted until it becomes a default, unthinking habit. But this only happens if the child thinks about what they are doing. When you ask a child to do something you are reinforcing the action "do what mum says," which is valuable in itself, but you are not reinforcing the behaviour as strongly. Instead you want the child to think about what they need to do.

Make it special

When you first start work on a habit it is a good idea to have a friendly chat with your child, letting them know what is expected of them. This is also a good opportunity to make it fun by getting out the glue and making some props. For example, let's say you want your son to put his shoes neatly by the door when he comes inside. Spend some time making a "shoe spot" showing two footprints side by side and allow your son to decorate it. Laminate the shoe spot or cover it in sticky backed plastic and put it near the door, with his shoes on the footprints. Next time you come home and ask "where do your shoes go?", your son will remember the spot and put his shoes there. At first he may need your help but as he is actively thinking about putting his shoes away it should quickly become a habit. I know one two year old who started putting everyone else's shoes away too!

A sequence

There are some things that need to be done in the same order, at the same time, every day. The morning routine is a typical example, especially since the school run is much easier if each child gets themselves ready without constant reminders. Here you can make a timeline. One morning spend some time taking photographs of your child at each stage of the routine, waking up, getting dressed, brushing teeth, having breakfast and so on. Take care to include any special jobs they need to do like making their bed. Print out two copies of each picture and tape one set together to make a long strip, in the right order. You can either put this on the wall or lay it out somewhere each morning for your child to use. The other set of pictures go in a box near the timeline and as your child completes each task they can match up the pictures. Even a young child is able to work their way along the line and can easily see which task comes next.

Subtle reminders

There will be times when you need to remind a child to do something, but you still want to avoid nagging. Sometimes a subtle hint is all you need, such as a pointed look at the coat on the floor, but sometimes you need something a bit stronger. Songs can work well if they are only used in context, many children start to tidy up as soon as they hear the tidy up song! Setting a good example is also a valuable tool. Perhaps you want your daughter to say thank you after a meal. When you have eaten together you might say "my tea was delicious, was your tea nice Daddy?" Daddy then says "Mmm, it was yummy, thank you very much" and you both turn to look expectantly at your daughter, perhaps asking if her food was delicious too. It might seem a bit false to begin with but you are only demonstrating the behaviour you hope to see and as they say, "manners are caught, not taught!" Over time you can be less obvious and saying thank you will soon be that unthinking habit you are hoping for.

Slow progress

It is highly unlikely that your child will learn everything overnight and to begin with it might even be harder to teach the habit than it would be to just do the task yourself. But time invested now is saved many times over in later years, and life is much more pleasant for everyone when you don't have to nag. For example, if you have decided to use a timeline your little one might be excited by the novelty but need your support in knowing what to do. You have to lead them to the line, ask what they need to do next, help them interpret the picture and it takes a long time. Before long, however, they should be able to run backwards and forwards to check the timeline without help and eventually will complete the morning routine without any prompts at all. The rewards are worth the effort!

Ask Nanny Lorna - toddler bedrooms

Today's question comes from a mum of three year old triplets. They have always shared a bedroom but are now about to move into their own rooms for the first time. This seems like a good opportunity to express their personalities but mum wonders what should be included in a toddler's bedroom.



Do you have a question for me? Email it in, with the subject "Ask Nanny Lorna" and I'll see what I can do!

Why Star Charts Don't Always Work

We all like the idea of earning a gold star and star charts are available to buy in every stationers or toy shop. But do they really work, and is there a better way?

The theory

A traditional star chart is a grid, with the days of the week along the top and tasks down one side. When the child completes a task, or shows a certain type of behaviour, they earn a star. When the child has a specific number of stars, or a number of days fully completed, they are given a prize. Earning a reward is a positive way to motivate your child, eventually the behaviour should become a habit. A star chart hanging on the wall also acts as a visual reminder, and allows the child to "show off" their stars, taking pride in their achievement.

Could it be better?

There are a few problems with traditional star charts. They only allow you to reward the specific behaviour you have written on the chart, so if your son forgets to make his bed he doesn't get a star - even if he picked up all his toys instead. It can also be too easy to focus on the empty squares, pointing out what your child forgot to do. The chart then becomes a negative form of discipline instead of the positive reward you had intended. If you have more than one child it is tempting to compare them, pointing out who has most stars. Even if you never mention it, the children probably will! Again, the child who has fewer stars can loose confidence and view the chart in a negative light. It is tempting to write things like "be kind to Tommy" which can leave you with a dilemma when your little girl is wonderfully kind for most of the morning but less so later on! Finally, a traditional star chart only lasts a week so every Monday morning the child is back to "square one" with a new chart. This can seem unfair when a child worked hard and only just missed out on a prize, the frustration can make them give up.

A team project

I prefer to have a chart that encourages the family to work together towards a team goal. A picture with several elements, such as a tree with apples to be coloured, is perfect for this. Any member of the family can colour in an apple if they do something worthy of reward. You can discuss in advance any specific things you want to encourage, and remind your child of them when you need to, but any spontaneous wonderful behaviour can also be rewarded. You may even find that children come and ask you what they can do to earn an apple! Completing the tree becomes a real team effort, with the whole family working together and helping each other to achieve success. Your little one will be thrilled if mummy and daddy earn the occasional apple as well.

It is important to choose your picture carefully. If you have a large family including older children then fifteen or even twenty apples might be a realistic goal, while one toddler will find five is more than enough. If you know what your reward will be you can even theme your picture to match. Vary the tasks as well, so that each child is asked to do things appropriate to their age and abilities.

The reward

With a traditional star chart suggested treats are often sweets or small toys. When the whole family are working together I suggest you plan a much bigger reward, something that won't just become another bit of clutter at the bottom of the toy box. Since everyone has put in a lot of effort, why not enjoy a fun day out? After a wonderful trip to the zoo, beach or cinema most children will be clamouring to start a new reward chart and earn another fabulous prize!

Some more ideas for pictures

Frogs in a pond
Flowers in the garden
Sandcastles, buckets and spades
People in the windows of a bus or train
Diggers on a worksite

How Sleep is Like Jelly

People always look at me rather strangely when I say that sleep is like jelly. I suppose it is rather a strange comparison! Bear with me, though, and I'll explain!

When you make a jelly you pour the mixture into a mould. The mould is absolutely firm and unmoving, if it shifted about the jelly would never set into your planned shape! That is how things are when you first start working to improve your child's sleep. Whichever method you have chosen to use will need to be used consistently if you want to make much progress, it's no good to stick to your new changes for two days then do something different. You need a rigid mould.

But pretty soon jelly sets! Then you can take away the mould and it keeps it's shape. You can even wobble it about a bit and so long as you don't go too far it will go back into shape afterwards without much trouble. In the same way, once your little one has learnt good sleep habits you can relax a little bit. Since every child is an individual the amount you can safely "wobble" their sleep does vary but as a general rule a toddler doesn't need the same sort of strict routine that might have suited them as a baby and the child who has learnt to settle themselves wont be thrown backwards if you fall asleep with them while reading stories one night.

This is especially important to bear in mind while making your summer plans, whether you are going away on holiday, planning day trips or inviting guests to stay. Work out the wobble factor for your child, can they handle a late night at a BBQ? Fine to miss a nap one day? Happy to share a room for a few nights, but need you make sure it stays dark? Whatever it is, be confident that if you bear their needs in mind and don't take it too far things will go straight back to normal afterwards.